Dear Dr. Köstenberger,
I appreciate your desire to avoid heaping judgment on singles who are fruitfully serving the Lord and enjoying what is (perhaps) merely a season of singleness. And I agree with you that many singles marry later in our culture for entirely justifiable reasons (for example, our increasingly knowledge-based economy encourages more years of study, both at the collegiate and post-collegiate level).
Please forgive me that I have not read your book. Given my family budget, I simply cannot justify the purchase (and sadly many good books fall into this category!). So my response is only to your two posts. I offer these thoughts as one eager to learn and open to correction and further light.
You stated in your post, Here is the critical point, however: How does a person who is currently unmarried know whether or not their unmarried state is permanent or temporary?
Please forgive me, but I had trouble finding an answer to this question in your post. On the one hand, you seemed to agree that we are seeing a unique problem with adult men in our day lacking masculine impulse to assume responsibility and marshal God-given strength for the good of others. I base this on your statement, “It appears that much of Maken’s underlying concern has to do with encouraging men to take more initiative and being more responsible in pursuing marriage. With this I heartily concur.”
So I am confused when you later state: “I think God would have us not only encourage those many toward marriage who are called to marriage (though not prod them to rush into marriage), but also affirm those few who are content in their unmarried state and see it, whether permanently or temporarily (and who among those who are currently unmarried knows for certain which it is?), as God’s calling for them.” (emphasis mine)
Correct me if I’m wrong, but you seem to suggest that knowledge of whether one’s unmarried state is permanent or temporary is beyond reach. If by this you mean, “nobody knows what the sovereign will of God holds for us,” I think we’d all agree. It seems that’s what you mean because you end your letter saying, in essence, “only God knows.”
But its one thing to say “only God knows if I will marry” and an entirely different thing to say “only God knows if I should marry.” Are there not biblical indicators of whether one should seek marriage? Would you agree that immature men who employ their singleness for selfish indulgence (e.g., excessive golf or other hobbies, spending a high percentage of their salary on entertainment) would be well-served (with respect to their Christian sanctification) by having to bear the huge personal responsibility of a wife? Granted, they must have a modicum of maturity even to marry, but that minimum standard being met, marriage matures and sanctifies them (far beyond the accountability of male roommates, I might add). Many married men readily testify that their wife has been used of God as a great (even the greatest) instrument towards their sanctification. To lack this instrument would have been to stunt their sanctification, would it not? [As an aside, have you not noticed that many single, never been married Christian men in their mid thirties or forties are socially awkward or quirky? Getting married forces a guy to cut-off tendencies that would otherwise become deeply embedded habits.]
In other words, might Christian maturity/fruitfulness be a parameter whereby a single Christian discerns whether they should “get serious about getting married”? A Christian single who zealously serves the Lord, does not overly struggle with lust, and is content with singleness is perhaps justified in not unduly marrying just because someone tells him (or her) he (or she) should. Perhaps his accomplishments for the Kingdom are “monumental,” or perhaps they are meager. Who are we to say what level of contribution is required? Fine. But a Christian single whose “contentment with singleness” is based on his being able to live entirely as he pleases and enjoy zero inconveniences to his self-absorbed, pleasure-craven, comfort-seeking schedule has a lot less biblical grounding to base his “gift” of singleness! Sure, he should get busy reading his Bible, serving in his church, and giving his money sacrificially to the spread of God’s kingdom. But as he does so, ought he not seek a wife, lest the absence of significant, intimate relational involvement leave him more susceptible to his lusts (for unlawful sex, for excessive pleasure, comfort, or autonomy)?
Incidentally, you do not mention the parameter of sexual continence. I agree with you on the context of I Cor. 7 (Paul is dealing with particular Corinthian issues – they were denigrating marriage). Nevertheless, is Paul not referring to a high (unusually high?) degree of sexual continence when he discusses the “gift” in I Cor. 7? Might this not be transferable to our day – a day in which fornication among professing Christian singles runs rampant?
In conclusion, I think there are some biblical grounds for determining whether one should “get serious about getting married.” Do you acknowledge the ones I’ve mentioned, or would you point to others? Or would you counsel a Christian single by saying “only God knows.” The latter seems unhelpful.
Thank you for your ministry to the body of Christ on matters pertaining to marriage and family.
Yours truly and respectfully in Christ,
Alex Chediak