There are numerous good books on Christian parenting, aimed primarily at young children or even the teen years in particular. But Jim Newheiser and Elyse Fitzpatrick have done the church a great service by writing a book on parenting adult children. This theme is particularly important in our day with the twixter and adultolescence phenomena in full swing.
Newheiser and Fitzpatrick give wise, biblical, nuanced counsel on how parents can and should carefully and lovingly release their children, like arrows, as they enter the adult years (Ps. 127:4). While many parents seek an unhealthy degree of control over their adult children, other parents neglect restraining their ungodly children and ultimately aid and abet their descent into sin, as we see with Eli, who honored his sons above God (I Sam. 2:29-30).
In contrast, Christian parents should ground their training in the gospel, seeking to impart and model biblical principles, and asking the Holy Spirit to make them “stick”. We simply cannot control our adult children; we must trust God when we’re scared about the course of their lives, and as we see them, in some cases, suffer the consequences for their poor choices. Often parents unhelpfully prevent their children from reaping the consequences of their actions and “hitting bottom” as it were). Yet the prodigal son did not come to his senses until he was eating the pig slop. This book doesn’t shy away from the hard cases; no, many gut-wrenching examples are delineated in detail, and the book’s principles are applied to these cases in a wonderfully practical way.
Parents should:
1. Teach their children the love of God in Christ Jesus
2. Teach their children to fear God and live for His glory
3. Show their children how to put others ahead of themselves
4. Help their children learn how to communicate with wisdom and humility
5. Teach your children God’s design for sex and marriage
6. Teach your children to choose their friends carefully
7. Let their children practice making choices of adulthood
8. Teach their children the true value of hard work and money
If children wish to move back into the home of their parents, or remain in that home as adults, they must agree to abide by the rules of that home, whether they are Christians or not. In some cases, the authors suggest a contract with the adult child that requires some form of productivity on her part (furthering her education, working a job, volunteering). Its one thing for a responsible, productive 20 year old to be living with his parents, but it is something very different for a 30 year old to move back home because of problems with debt or drugs. The latter should be granted less trust and more structured accountability (he needs to re-earn trust). In the last few chapters, the authors tackle the thorny topics of money and marriage. Should a parent give his children an inheritance? If so, should it be equal for all children? What if Mom and Dad disapprove of a son or daughter’s choice for a spouse? Again, the authors offer carefully balanced wisdom, avoiding either extreme.
I’ll hopefully have an interview with Pastor Newheiser to post soon. In the meantime, I highly recommend this excellent book for all parents of adult children, and for pastors who counsel both parents and/or adult children.
A couple endorsements:
Perfect timing. Just as the questions from parents with adult children start streaming in, we have solid, biblical material to put in their hands. And the book is packed. No sooner did I think, “But what about . . .” before the next illustration set me off on a wise course. Thank you.
– Ed Welch, Director of Counseling, Christian Counseling and Educational Foundation
“I never speak on the topic of raising children without facing the inevitable questions about how to respond to adult children who are struggling with the transition between childhood and adulthood. You Never Stop Being a Parent answers the most frequently asked questions with biblical clarity, wisdom, and insight. This book will help parents to think with clarity about the many issues raised by interacting with adult children. The answers it gives are not only clear and practical, but richly gospel-centered and filled with hope. This is a book I will buy in bulk and recommend to many.
– Tedd Tripp, Pastor, Conference Speaker, Author of Shepherding a Child’s Heart